Movie plots that would have been improved had they starred me in the role of “Senior Bureaucrat”
July 21st, 2009
- Footloose – the character of Kevin Bacon is unable to dance in his conservative home town. Faces pressure from his family to conform. Struggles to contain his dancing urges. I, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, explain to him that dancing is forbidden without first obtaining dancing licence. He obtains licence, and dances freely, except after 6PM on Thursdays, and on the Sabbath. Conservative home town goes on to host Goodwill Games.
- Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets – Harry completes form “I97 – Access To Classified Chamber-Contained Material”. Harry waits three weeks. Footage of me, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, calling Harry and explaining he has incorrectly filled out his form (“Harry, I understand that you need access to the chamber, but you need to have a post office manager witness your signature before I can help you”). Harry resends his form, and is given access to the Chamber. The secrets are revealed to have been within Harry all along.
- Deliverance – Bobby, played by Ned Beatty, is raped by a member of an inbred family. Lewis, played by Burt Reynolds, contacts the appropriate authorities. I, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, appear, and despite the pleas of the hillbillies, place the children of the clan into a temporary foster home. One of those children eventually learns to love again; Bobby bleeds to death.
- Casablanca – Isla Lund, after boarding the plane, realises her mistake, and advises the local prefect (myself in the role of Senior Bureaucrat). Rick Blaine is arrested, tortured, and executed. Louis Renault later goes on to assasinate Adolf Hitler.
- Dirty Dancing – my character, the Senior Bureaucrat, arrives at the club, and has everyone arrested for child abuse based on baby-painting allegations. Patrick Swayze goes on, but only just.
- Pretty Woman – Richard Gere, the wealthy industrialist, falls in love with Julia Roberts, the hooker with a heart of gold. Richard Gere tries to lobby the State Government to legalise prostitution; at first the Senior Bureaucrat (played by myself) objects, but then after realising that it would improve the occupational health and safety of the girls’ lives, as well as bring in an additional revenue stream from registration fees, I relent. Julia Roberts’ character decides to become a pimp, and proceeds to abduct, and then sell into child slavery, the girl from Curly Sue. The Government earns $8.6 million from legalised brothels.
- Office Space – Peter Gibbons, played by Ron Livingston, leads a depressing, buttoned down existence in a world full of cubicles. In an attempt to create a character franchise, I reprise my role as “Senior Bureaucrat” from Footloose, and teach Peter how to feel true joy through the medium of dance. Peter goes on to win employee of the month, while my character kills 5 after tap-dancing through cubicles armed with an assault rifle.
