Guided By Charts

• Puppies are scrummy
  I enjoy them with white wine
  And a Burmese
• Spring has sprung it’s springiness
  Winter has wanted it’s wintingness
  Summer can’t be arsed
• Have you considered
  That I’m not
  Wearing any pants?
• One two three four five
  One two three four five six seven
  One two three four shit
• Some haikus make sense
  Others are kind of kooky
  ALL HAIL EMPEROR ZOD
• My dear beloved
  For my birthday, can I have
  Anal?
• How do you suppose
  Binary words are pronounced?
  00100 1011101101 001010101 11101 010101 0111110010 11001100011110 01010101 10
• To fail a haiku
  Can be much more difficult
  Than you realise

• Your website is called “Blowin’ Chunks On Spunky Hunks”
• Your only visitor is your cat
• Proposed five word acceptance speech – “You can blow me, nerdlingers”
• Your blog is never updated, only published in printed form, has chapters, and is a novel
• Site consists of nothing but muffin recipes containing lead
• Has led to you being wanted by Dutch police for “publishing inappropriate material”
• Your PC is actually a toaster
• Your website is called “Guided By Charts”

• Ducks are made of 80% chutney
• I once banged the Pope
• Al Gore killed a man just to watch him die
• If you listen to a radio inside a radio station, Google breaks
• The Beatles song Eleanor Rigby is named after a transexual from Kent
• The Pope once banged me
• When trapped in a desert, you can easily escape into a banana split by adding an ’s’
• Sticking a fork into a power socket doesn’t kill you unless the fork contains mashed potato
• Anne Frank

• Franz Lists
• Studs McSexalot
• Miranda Otto
• Excel In A Handbasket (*)
• Number One With A Bullet Point
• <li>ar
• A Few Good Men, And Some Lists
• Perez Hilton
• Cheap Vi@gr@ & C1@l1s! Pleasure Her For longer!

(*) I may still use this one if I ever need to write a help column on Microsoft Excel

• The Not Terribly Happies
• Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness
• 18 Pages Of Plot Development, 1242 Pages Of Character Development
• Better Than Fucking The Count Of Monte Cristo, That’s For Sure
• Crime Pays, But Only For A Bit
• Javert You Been?
• Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets
• Cosette Gets Fingered

• Talking Heads
• The Jimi Hendrix Experience
• Earth Wind & Fire
• ZZ Top
• Pearl Jam
• Simply Red
• Englebert Humperdink

• You’re in a wheelchair
• Churchill keeps calling you a ‘jackass’
• Your wife keeps banging other women
• Keep calling game show “New Deal Or No Deal”
• You’re diddling your cousin
• The only things you have to fear is fear itself, cerebral hemorrhage
• Japan invades you
• You’re dead

• Everything by David Lynch, except for the bit of Mulholland Drive where the two girls make out
• Why the Spanish insist on having two question marks around written questions. And one of them – the first one at that – is upside down. What’s up with that, Spaniards? Too good for just a single question mark hey? We should never have saved you people in World War II
• How it is that using the line “Want to see my Large Hadron Collider?” almost never succeeds in getting women to sleep with me
• How some people can make one of their arse cheeks move independently of the other
• 1987
• Why whenever a grocery bag breaks, it always contains the heavy glass items
• Women – are you with me fellas?
• The 3rd Gymnopedie
• Why the word beret isn’t flat and hat-shaped
• Vegetarians
• I mean, a second question mark? Do they need to put a second exclamation mark in all their sentences as well? Wait, they do? Daft motherf…