Guided By Charts

• Butterscotch matrix
• Voice-over-pudding
• Integrated sugar appliance
• Caramellotrix engine
• Asynchronous digital subscriber lemon & hazelnut cheesecake
• Liquid sherbert display
• Pecan pie differential
• Blackberry
• Dark chocolate & cherry hub

• “Shaft”
• “Great Balls of Fire”
• “Enter Sandman”
• “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”
• “Stairway to Heaven”
• “A Hard Day’s Night”
• “Mack the Knife”
• “Free Man In Paris”
• “Under the Boardwalk”

• “Microfibre is so comfortable”
• “Hey, there’s Frank! I can’t believe he’s with Gloria!”
• “I wonder if I crap in a smiley face pattern on his back…”
• “Wait a minute – is that Frente coming from the iPod?”
• “Those ears look like a good place to lay my eggs”
• “Free ride, free sex, I’ve got wings – it’s good to be a fly”
• “Almost done…almost done….done.”

• “Hello there, I’m interested in purchasing a barbecue for my living room.”
• “Will the gas bottle work in my spa bath?”
• “My oven at home is okay, but I’d really like something concretier.”
• “Roasting would be much more exciting if I had to press the ignition button every 8 minutes!”
• “I have a caravan – will this barbecue be damaged by speed bumps?”
• “Now the kids have moved out, we can finally use the spare bedroom for something I like!”
• “Even agoraphobes like burnt sausages”
• “It would save me having to buy blankets for the baby!”
• “If I line the lid with felt – hey, it doubles as a pool table!”

• Call 000
• Tilt head
• Lift chin
• Check breathing
• Give two strong breaths
• Position hands in centre of chest
• Firmly push down 5 centimetres on the chest 30 times
• Repeat two breaths and 30 pushes on chest until ambulance arrives or death

• Pyramid
• Electrical
• Trichatillomania
• Blog
• Huffin’ (*)
• Iron Chef
• Sidekick
• Possum
• Waterloo
• Tyrannosaurus

(*) Note: this is a lie.

An Idiots Guide To Necrophilia

• Miniature golf
• Dressage
• Bear Hunting
• Pole Vault
• Pommel Horse
• Diving
• Polo (The horsey one)