Guided By Charts

• Knife her in the back, Mack
• Organise an alien abduction, John Ruction
• Throw her off a train, Jane
• Run her down in your car, Bar
• Chlamydia, Lydia
• Set her on fire, Maia
• Four iron in the face, Jase
• Lace her with arsenic, Dick
• Bash her, Tasha
• Microwave her arms, Brahms
• Hold her head under water, Daughter
• Pillow in her sleep, Peep
• Convince her to cut, Tut
• Burn out her eyes, Tyse
• Smack her with a two-by-four, Thor
• Have a serial killer seduce her, Medusa
• Lock her in a freezer, Leeza
• Apply an icepick, Mick
• Crematorium flames, James
• Impale her on a pole, Nicole
• Push her down a hill, Bill
• Introduce her to Martin Bryant, Brian T.
• Smack her with a spade, Jade
• Ram her into a T.V., Stevie
• Just damn shoot her, Scooter
• Dump her in the Arctic nude, Jude
• Suffocate her with carbon dioxide, Clide
• Cut off her hands, Stan
• Choke her with a penis, Enis
• Push her from a plane, Dane
• Strangle her with the cord from a controller on a Playstation Three, Leigh
• Poison her pasta, Mustafa
• Douse her in fuels, Jools
• Club her with a hardback Dostoyevsky, Lee
• Drain all her blood, Judd
• Rig her mobile to shoot electricity out of the earpiece whenever it rings and phone her, Mona
• Make her write a list of rhyming murder methods, Jeffords
• Run over her head, Ned
• Travel back in time and infect the nation of her ancestors with a dangerous variant of influenza, Clemenza
• Sabotage her fridge which just happens to be a Fisher and Paykel, Michael
• Send her to the fires of hell, Clarabelle
• Zombie teddie bear, Cher

Related: One Way To Leave Your Lover, If Your Lover Is A Werewolf

• Shoot her with a silver bullet, Juliet

• Dark
• Jarring
• Malarky
• Leaf
• Domino
• Hurling
• Sphincter

• Obtain a divorce without first having been seperated for at least 12 months
• Resist the delicious taste of Cadbury
• Remove a cranberry stain from a white silk tie
• Find a more absorbant paper towel than Viva Paper Towels
• Get a HR (Heavy Rigid) class drivers license unless they have had a C class license for at least two years
• Remember to put the seat down
• Learn to love again

• Jesus
• Last night’s roast chicken
• The boy down the street
• Your mother, on the inside
• The vinyl player on my old stereo
• So many hookers

• More chances to see cute goth receptionist at medical centre
• Get to tell dates, “It’s like that movie Outbreak, only less monkeys and more rashes”
• Every time friend tells horror story about herpes, you can just laugh
• Have always wanted to be disease-ridden skank
• Infertility means less money spent on the Pill, more money on tequila.
• When friend says “Clap, clap for the handicapped”, you can say “Hey, it also affects us able-bodied people too”
• Reminds you of song “Karma Chameleon”
• Helps take your mind off your alcoholism

• Chihuahua is nipping at your neck
• Find a half-eating chew bone on your pillow with a note attached reading “You’re next”
• St. Bernard’s little keg-around-the-neck has a dry white wine the Good Wine Guide suggested was “excellent with raw chicken and fish”
• Instead of dog breath, puppy smells of the inevitable stench of death
• Dog keeps peeing on your liver
• In kennel, you find a shiv, a barbecue, and a copy of “Gray’s Anatomy”
• Puppy has been hanging around with crowd of bad, owner-eating puppies
• “Accidentally” licks your penis during intercourse.

• No matter how many times I punch a public phone box, a plate of salad does not appear.
• When I die, I only get two continues.
• Mayors of large cities rarely have their daughters kidnapped and then vigilante-style go try to save them themselves…
• …and when they do, they usually wear more than baby-poo green pants and an over-the-shoulder-belt.
• When 7-foot transvestites come running towards me with their arms outright, they usually just want a hug.
• Fighting a guy with a samurai sword using only my bare hands is frequently fatal.

Related: Ways in which real life is similar to the game “Final Fight”

• Throwing my arms out and spinning around quickly does cause people around me to flee, at the cost of some of my energy.

• Frank Pedoman
• Mary Juggsalot
• Mark Muchwood
• Lois Shitterdon
• Julia Rimmer
• Peter Hardrider
• Richard Pooper
• Dante Arthurs