Guided By Charts

Reasons to vanish

Guided By Charts — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 14:00:32 +0000

Strong US dollar means stalker can afford new telephoto lens
Outstanding rape charge from the ’70s
Crazy father
Mobile coverage in your area just too good
Powerful faceless enemies monitoring your thoughts
Shame from terrible haircut
Trying to convince girlfriend that you work for ASIO
Four month bender
Waiting until plastic surgery scars heal
Refusing to come out of your house until Arrested Development returns
Guantanamo

The likelihood of you dying in the September 11 terrorist attacks

Guided By Charts — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:51:57 +0000

Ways in which the modern world is better than olden-times

Guided By Charts — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 06:51:13 +0000

Porn
If Erik Satie comes back to life, our zombie slaying abilities are much advanced
Copyright infringment on a massive and global scale
Lower risk of T-Rex death; high risk of T-Rex disco funk
Modern technologies give every person the ability to express their opinions, and to have those opinions heard around the world (Ed: On second thoughts, no.)
You can get the TV program guide in a newspaper, a magazine, on your mobile phone, and the Internet!
Paperwork
Neil Diamond’s Crunchy Granola Suite
This blog, which I think happens to be pretty awesome, and would have been much harder to write in the 17th Century, with all the constants “olde”s and “ye”s and “forsoothe”s, not to mention that the lack of blog software, RSS feeds, the Internet, or electricity would have mean that publishing an RSS feed would have involved a lot of ink, and definetly Repetitive Strain Injury, if RSI had been invented yet
Lindsay Lohan porn

Ways in which the modern world is worse than olden-times

Guided By Charts — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 06:51:16 +0000

Chinese food no longer “Exotic mystery of the Orient”
Witches roam the nights unburnt
Greater risk of being in a plane crash, being hit by a plane falling from the sky, crashing on drive to the airport, choking on peanut purchased from airport delicatessen
Erik Satie – still dead
Tens of thousands left unemployed with the downturn in the leech industry
Less pirates = less tricorn hats
Universal suffrage
Even my fricking Nokia 5110 had actual buttons I could press. Fricking Apple
Universities less concerned with plaguarism, more concerned with plague
Colour no longer consistently spelt “ou” across the whole English speaking world
Lindsay Lohan

Alliterative adjective-food combinations that could also be stripper stage names

Guided By Charts — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 06:51:26 +0000

Leggy Lingonberry
Slutty Stroganoff
Ravishing Ricotta
Chesty Chestnuts
Chunky Chutney
Tarty Tamarind
Mannish Marmalade
Punky Pumpkin
Bisexual Bananas (GBC note: Also see list “Alliterative adjective-food combinations that could be awesome band names”)
Willing-To-Exchange-Sex-For-Money Watermelon
Promiscuous Plantain

Movie plots that would have been improved had they starred me in the role of “Senior Bureaucrat”

Guided By Charts — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 06:51:35 +0000

Footloose – the character of Kevin Bacon is unable to dance in his conservative home town. Faces pressure from his family to conform. Struggles to contain his dancing urges. I, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, explain to him that dancing is forbidden without first obtaining dancing licence. He obtains licence, and dances freely, except after 6PM on Thursdays, and on the Sabbath. Conservative home town goes on to host Goodwill Games.
Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets – Harry completes form “I97 – Access To Classified Chamber-Contained Material”. Harry waits three weeks. Footage of me, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, calling Harry and explaining he has incorrectly filled out his form (“Harry, I understand that you need access to the chamber, but you need to have a post office manager witness your signature before I can help you”). Harry resends his form, and is given access to the Chamber. The secrets are revealed to have been within Harry all along.
Deliverance – Bobby, played by Ned Beatty, is raped by a member of an inbred family. Lewis, played by Burt Reynolds, contacts the appropriate authorities. I, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, appear, and despite the pleas of the hillbillies, place the children of the clan into a temporary foster home. One of those children eventually learns to love again; Bobby bleeds to death.
Casablanca – Isla Lund, after boarding the plane, realises her mistake, and advises the local prefect (myself in the role of Senior Bureaucrat). Rick Blaine is arrested, tortured, and executed. Louis Renault later goes on to assasinate Adolf Hitler.
Dirty Dancing – my character, the Senior Bureaucrat, arrives at the club, and has everyone arrested for child abuse based on baby-painting allegations. Patrick Swayze goes on, but only just.
Pretty Woman – Richard Gere, the wealthy industrialist, falls in love with Julia Roberts, the hooker with a heart of gold. Richard Gere tries to lobby the State Government to legalise prostitution; at first the Senior Bureaucrat (played by myself) objects, but then after realising that it would improve the occupational health and safety of the girls’ lives, as well as bring in an additional revenue stream from registration fees, I relent. Julia Roberts’ character decides to become a pimp, and proceeds to abduct, and then sell into child slavery, the girl from Curly Sue. The Government earns $8.6 million from legalised brothels.
Office Space – Peter Gibbons, played by Ron Livingston, leads a depressing, buttoned down existence in a world full of cubicles. In an attempt to create a character franchise, I reprise my role as “Senior Bureaucrat” from Footloose, and teach Peter how to feel true joy through the medium of dance. Peter goes on to win employee of the month, while my character kills 5 after tap-dancing through cubicles armed with an assault rifle.

Signs you are covered in honey

Guided By Charts — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 13:48:36 +0000

Hairy gay men keep trying to lick you
Squirrels keep watching you pee
Constant late night phone calls from Winnie the Pooh
~~Golddigging skanks keep trying to grope you~~ Sorry, I misread honey as money
RT from @Sparrow – nice honey, @GuidedByCharts!
New beehive haircut suspiciously beehivey
You are slightly stickier than normal

History’s Greatest Minor Sinners

Guided By Charts — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:10:54 +0000

Enver Hoxha – General Secretary of the Albanian Communist Party. Often left before paying restaurant bills.
James Polk – U.S. President. Bad kisser.
Louis XV – Unthroned child king of France. Refused to share model of the Papal Palace with other children.
Benazhir Bhutto – Indian President. Jaywalker.
Charlemagne – Innaugural Holy Roman Emperor. Spanked his daughter.
Henry VII – King of England. Peed in the bathtub.
Konrad Adanuer – President of the Federal Republic of Germany. At dinner parties, sometimes pretended to be more interested in people’s stories than he actually was.
Leon Blum – Prime Minister of France. Would deliberately drive through puddles, wetting nearby pedestrians.
Joseph Stalin – Soviet General Secretary. Loved too much.

Monopoly pick up lines

Guided By Charts — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:35:47 +0000

Want to see my community chest?
Dog or battleship style?
Roll three doubles, go straight to my pants
Want to pick my dilly?
I’m cheaper than Old Kent Road
Two drinks and you can go along my Park Lane
It’s $35 for the night, or $1,500 if you need a room.
It’s Maryleboning time

Guided By Chart’s life to-do list

Guided By Charts — Thu, 07 May 2009 02:42:24 +0000

Marry a florist
Learn how to cook an apple danish
Teach his iPhone to not autocorrect the HTML “LI” (bullet point) tag as “OK”
Buy and sell another man’s life
Finally overthrow the government of Djibouti
Find a molehill; turn it into a mountain; upset some moles
~~Write a list on a bus~~
Eat an entire unicorn
Avenge his parent’s murder
~~Punch the Prime Minister of Norway in the face~~
Learn to love again – and not the paid kind this time

Reasons to go gay

Guided By Charts — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 03:52:31 +0000

CNN’s anchor line-up – Richard Quest and Anderson Cooper? Meow
“Homo” has more fun rhymes than “Hetero”
Want to feel less self-concious about owning a poodle
All the truly successful gay artists were gay
Desperate need for belonging
Should help you pick up men
Want to get closer to cute lesbian girl
Sure as hell aren’t getting any from the ladies

Notices on a sign near the hotel elevators

Guided By Charts — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 09:37:00 +0000

Do not use lifts in the event of a fire
To access the Health Club, use the two lifts nearest the windows

Implied notice on a sign near the hotel elevators:

In the event of a fire, if you are using the Health Club, you will probably die.

Reasons to protest the G20 Summit

Guided By Charts — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 09:52:13 +0000

Capitalism stopped returning your calls
Arrested Development: still cancelled
French President Sarkozy is banging your wife
Want to make fun of Gordon Brown’s wonky eye
Communist chicks are easy
Nice weather, need the exercise
Still angry at the B-52’s for Rock Lobster; have poor literacy skills
Just hate the free market sooooo much
Have a thing for guys in riot gear
Would be fine with G19, but feel that South Africa’s increasingly protectionist policies should exclude them
Want to be a part of history, by razor blading a police horse
French President Sarkozy is banging your sister
Economic downturn means writing humorous lists no longer a viable career

Reasons to be happy

Guided By Charts — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 00:34:55 +0000

Puppies
God
Oral
All your enemies will eventually die
No Godzilla attack so far – your luck should hold
Satisfactory closure of the Harry Potter series, with more movies still to come
Odds of list reader dying in a plane crash tomorrow: low. Odds of list author dying in a plane crash tomorrow – much higher
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band
All the truly happy artists were fundametally unhappy, paradoxical.
Tequila

Inappropriate things to say to a co-worker

Guided By Charts — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 02:21:23 +0000

“How do you spell chlamydia?”
“Is anyone else having problems accessing www.hotdirtysluts.com?”
“Does anyone have that stuff that cleans the arse stains from a photocopier?”
“Who have I got to fuck to get a martini around here?”
“So I said to her, ‘then you shouldn’t have asked me to use the bullwhip to begin with!”‘
“This budget is fatter than your arse”
“They claim that dogs are mans best friend, but the only thing that ever helps with my pain is the knife.”
“See that stain on the wall? Me and Linda last Wednesday. High five.”