Guided By Charts

• Strong US dollar means stalker can afford new telephoto lens
• Outstanding rape charge from the ’70s
• Crazy father
• Mobile coverage in your area just too good
• Powerful faceless enemies monitoring your thoughts
• Shame from terrible haircut
• Trying to convince girlfriend that you work for ASIO
• Four month bender
• Waiting until plastic surgery scars heal
• Refusing to come out of your house until Arrested Development returns
• Guantanamo

• Porn
• If Erik Satie comes back to life, our zombie slaying abilities are much advanced
• Copyright infringment on a massive and global scale
• Lower risk of T-Rex death; high risk of T-Rex disco funk
• Modern technologies give every person the ability to express their opinions, and to have those opinions heard around the world (Ed: On second thoughts, no.)
• You can get the TV program guide in a newspaper, a magazine, on your mobile phone, and the Internet!
• Paperwork
• Neil Diamond’s Crunchy Granola Suite
• This blog, which I think happens to be pretty awesome, and would have been much harder to write in the 17th Century, with all the constants “olde”s and “ye”s and “forsoothe”s, not to mention that the lack of blog software, RSS feeds, the Internet, or electricity would have mean that publishing an RSS feed would have involved a lot of ink, and definetly Repetitive Strain Injury, if RSI had been invented yet
• Lindsay Lohan porn

• Chinese food no longer “Exotic mystery of the Orient”
• Witches roam the nights unburnt
• Greater risk of being in a plane crash, being hit by a plane falling from the sky, crashing on drive to the airport, choking on peanut purchased from airport delicatessen
• Erik Satie – still dead
• Tens of thousands left unemployed with the downturn in the leech industry
• Less pirates = less tricorn hats
• Universal suffrage
• Even my fricking Nokia 5110 had actual buttons I could press. Fricking Apple
• Universities less concerned with plaguarism, more concerned with plague
• Colour no longer consistently spelt “ou” across the whole English speaking world
• Lindsay Lohan

• Leggy Lingonberry
• Slutty Stroganoff
• Ravishing Ricotta
• Chesty Chestnuts
• Chunky Chutney
• Tarty Tamarind
• Mannish Marmalade
• Punky Pumpkin
• Bisexual Bananas (GBC note: Also see list “Alliterative adjective-food combinations that could be awesome band names”)
• Willing-To-Exchange-Sex-For-Money Watermelon
• Promiscuous Plantain

• Footloose – the character of Kevin Bacon is unable to dance in his conservative home town. Faces pressure from his family to conform. Struggles to contain his dancing urges. I, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, explain to him that dancing is forbidden without first obtaining dancing licence. He obtains licence, and dances freely, except after 6PM on Thursdays, and on the Sabbath. Conservative home town goes on to host Goodwill Games.
• Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets – Harry completes form “I97 – Access To Classified Chamber-Contained Material”. Harry waits three weeks. Footage of me, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, calling Harry and explaining he has incorrectly filled out his form (“Harry, I understand that you need access to the chamber, but you need to have a post office manager witness your signature before I can help you”). Harry resends his form, and is given access to the Chamber. The secrets are revealed to have been within Harry all along.
• Deliverance – Bobby, played by Ned Beatty, is raped by a member of an inbred family. Lewis, played by Burt Reynolds, contacts the appropriate authorities. I, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, appear, and despite the pleas of the hillbillies, place the children of the clan into a temporary foster home. One of those children eventually learns to love again; Bobby bleeds to death.
• Casablanca – Isla Lund, after boarding the plane, realises her mistake, and advises the local prefect (myself in the role of Senior Bureaucrat). Rick Blaine is arrested, tortured, and executed. Louis Renault later goes on to assasinate Adolf Hitler.
• Dirty Dancing – my character, the Senior Bureaucrat, arrives at the club, and has everyone arrested for child abuse based on baby-painting allegations. Patrick Swayze goes on, but only just.
• Pretty Woman – Richard Gere, the wealthy industrialist, falls in love with Julia Roberts, the hooker with a heart of gold. Richard Gere tries to lobby the State Government to legalise prostitution; at first the Senior Bureaucrat (played by myself) objects, but then after realising that it would improve the occupational health and safety of the girls’ lives, as well as bring in an additional revenue stream from registration fees, I relent. Julia Roberts’ character decides to become a pimp, and proceeds to abduct, and then sell into child slavery, the girl from Curly Sue. The Government earns $8.6 million from legalised brothels.
• Office Space – Peter Gibbons, played by Ron Livingston, leads a depressing, buttoned down existence in a world full of cubicles. In an attempt to create a character franchise, I reprise my role as “Senior Bureaucrat” from Footloose, and teach Peter how to feel true joy through the medium of dance. Peter goes on to win employee of the month, while my character kills 5 after tap-dancing through cubicles armed with an assault rifle.

• Hairy gay men keep trying to lick you
• Squirrels keep watching you pee
• Constant late night phone calls from Winnie the Pooh
• Golddigging skanks keep trying to grope you Sorry, I misread honey as money
• RT from @Sparrow – nice honey, @GuidedByCharts!
• New beehive haircut suspiciously beehivey
• You are slightly stickier than normal

• Enver Hoxha – General Secretary of the Albanian Communist Party. Often left before paying restaurant bills.
• James Polk – U.S. President. Bad kisser.
• Louis XV – Unthroned child king of France. Refused to share model of the Papal Palace with other children.
• Benazhir Bhutto – Indian President. Jaywalker.
• Charlemagne – Innaugural Holy Roman Emperor. Spanked his daughter.
• Henry VII – King of England. Peed in the bathtub.
• Konrad Adanuer – President of the Federal Republic of Germany. At dinner parties, sometimes pretended to be more interested in people’s stories than he actually was.
• Leon Blum – Prime Minister of France. Would deliberately drive through puddles, wetting nearby pedestrians.
• Joseph Stalin – Soviet General Secretary. Loved too much.

• Want to see my community chest?
• Dog or battleship style?
• Roll three doubles, go straight to my pants
• Want to pick my dilly?
• I’m cheaper than Old Kent Road
• Two drinks and you can go along my Park Lane
• It’s $35 for the night, or $1,500 if you need a room.
• It’s Maryleboning time

• Marry a florist
• Learn how to cook an apple danish
• Teach his iPhone to not autocorrect the HTML “LI” (bullet point) tag as “OK”
• Buy and sell another man’s life
• Finally overthrow the government of Djibouti
• Find a molehill; turn it into a mountain; upset some moles
• Write a list on a bus
• Eat an entire unicorn
• Avenge his parent’s murder
• Punch the Prime Minister of Norway in the face
• Learn to love again – and not the paid kind this time

• CNN’s anchor line-up – Richard Quest and Anderson Cooper? Meow
• “Homo” has more fun rhymes than “Hetero”
• Want to feel less self-concious about owning a poodle
• All the truly successful gay artists were gay
• Desperate need for belonging
• Should help you pick up men
• Want to get closer to cute lesbian girl
• Sure as hell aren’t getting any from the ladies

• Do not use lifts in the event of a fire
• To access the Health Club, use the two lifts nearest the windows

Implied notice on a sign near the hotel elevators:

• In the event of a fire, if you are using the Health Club, you will probably die.

• Capitalism stopped returning your calls
• Arrested Development: still cancelled
• French President Sarkozy is banging your wife
• Want to make fun of Gordon Brown’s wonky eye
• Communist chicks are easy
• Nice weather, need the exercise
• Still angry at the B-52’s for Rock Lobster; have poor literacy skills
• Just hate the free market sooooo much
• Have a thing for guys in riot gear
• Would be fine with G19, but feel that South Africa’s increasingly protectionist policies should exclude them
• Want to be a part of history, by razor blading a police horse
• French President Sarkozy is banging your sister
• Economic downturn means writing humorous lists no longer a viable career

• Puppies
• God
• Oral
• All your enemies will eventually die
• No Godzilla attack so far – your luck should hold
• Satisfactory closure of the Harry Potter series, with more movies still to come
• Odds of list reader dying in a plane crash tomorrow: low. Odds of list author dying in a plane crash tomorrow – much higher
• Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band
• All the truly happy artists were fundametally unhappy, paradoxical.
• Tequila

• “How do you spell chlamydia?”
• “Is anyone else having problems accessing www.hotdirtysluts.com?”
• “Does anyone have that stuff that cleans the arse stains from a photocopier?”
• “Who have I got to fuck to get a martini around here?”
• “So I said to her, ‘then you shouldn’t have asked me to use the bullwhip to begin with!”‘
• “This budget is fatter than your arse”
• “They claim that dogs are mans best friend, but the only thing that ever helps with my pain is the knife.”
• “See that stain on the wall? Me and Linda last Wednesday. High five.”

• Cookies & Cream
• Raspberry Ripple
• Turkish Delight
• Banana Blitz
• Vanilla Raspberry
• Coconut Rough
• Nut Crunch
• Almond Joy
• Neopolitan Sluts 23