Things that aren’t as funny as they sound
- Meningococcal
- Puppy-on-puppy violence
- Gigli
- Duck anuses
- An actual beating with a sack of nickles
- Butterfly knives
- Any joke that starts with “A guy walks into the Governor-General…”
- Heinrich Himmler
- Self-referential comedy
What I have discovered are incorrect answers to the question “Who do I have to bang to be elected The Pope?”
- Mrs The Pope
Signs you are invisible to ducks
- Ducks keep walking into you
- Ducks become tense and nervous near you, as if sensing the presence of something just beyond the edge of their perception
- Stray cats keep trying to recruit you for an anti-duck army
- When being fed with bread, ducks yell “Shit, where did that come from?” (duck spiritualists also talk about the “Great Floating Breadbag”)
- Ducks keep cutting in front of you in queues
- Parent ducks tell their ducklings that if they don’t eat their vegetables, you will come along and eat them
- You can break into castles without fear of capture (sorry, that is a sign you are invisible to dukes)
- Gypsy at carnival cursed you to “walk among the world of duck-kind forever unseen”
- Ducks never returns your phone calls
Actual terms people searched for to find this site
- Monopoly pickup lines (68 people!)
- Sex flow charts
- Venn diagram (this one isn’t funny, I just figure putting it here will bring in more hits)
- Hedgehog pun
- Children TV characters
- Stages in alcoholism
- Justin Bieber (see above)
Liveblogging a funeral
The day before: It’s dark and cold. I’m definetly in a fridge
9:11AM the next day: It’s dark. I’m on the move! I was moved onto a trolley, and then put in a car – I can feel the road. It sounds like we are heading south.
9:35AM: It’s dark. The car has stopped, and I’m being slid out.
9:36AM: It’s dark. Ouch! People are picking me up, but they aren’t doing it carefully – I whacked my elbow there. Don’t they know there is someone in here?
9:38AM: It’s dark. It feels like there are four people carrying me – I think I am above their shoulders. It would be nice if they could keep me a little more level, I’m starting to get motion sickness, and this is a bad place to throw up
9:42AM: It’s dark. I can’t believe these guys aren’t tired! Sure I’ve lost some weight over the last few days, but I’m still not a little person.
9:44AM: It’s dark. I am finally being lowered. It smells like carnations.
9:45AM: It’s dark. “Goodbye My Lover”? Really? I mean, sure, maybe Aphex Twin would have been asking a little much, but really, James Blunt? I hope there is reincarnation so I can kick someones arse for that.
9:47AM: It’s dark. I thought about becoming a priest for a while, did I ever tell you that?
9:50AM: It’s dark. It turns out I was awesome. I always knew it, it’s just great to hear someone else say it.
9:53AM: It’s dark. My father is talking now – a story about us playing sports. Way to completely miss the mark there, Dad.
9:56AM: It’s dark. The next time someone walks near me I’m going to scream “I was murdered! It was John that killed me!” just to see what people do.
10:03AM: It’s dark. My wife has started talking; she sounds sad, but it would have been nice if she sounded a little sadder, with the circumstances being what they are.
10:11AM: It’s dark. Sorry for the lack of updates – my mobile signal dropped out. You didn’t miss much anyway, she is still talking, frankly it is starting to drone a little bit.
10:13AM: It’s dark. Musical interlude! “Stairway To Heaven”! Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about. This party is finally getting started.
10:14AM: OPEN CASKET! Woo!
10:15AM: It’s bright. Here comes Joe – he owed me $600. I bet he doesn’t pay that back now. Fucker.
10:17AM: It’s bright. I’m not even sure who some of these people looking at me even are.
10:18AM: It’s bright. Wait – was that Steve Vizard?
10:19AM: It’s bright. No.
10:21AM: It’s bright. I hear an angry scream. That would be my mistress meeting my wife, neither of whom knew the other existed. She is going to be pissed.
10:24AM: It’s bright. Another angry scream. That would be my other misstress meeting my first mistress, neither of whom knew the other existed. He is going to be pissed.
10:27AM: It’s bright. I hear some wood being moved.
10:28AM: It’s dark. Led Zeppelin has finished, and the priest is back. Ashes to ashes blah blah blah.
10:33AM: It’s dark. Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret. I’ve been waiting a long time to make that joke.
10:37AM: It’s dark. I hear a conveyor belt start up, and I’m moving slowly along. I think I hear some sobs from what sounds like the front row.
10:39AM: It’s dark and hot. I can smell burnt bacon.
Reasons to vanish
- Strong US dollar means stalker can afford new telephoto lens
- Outstanding rape charge from the ’70s
- Crazy father
- Mobile coverage in your area just too good
- Powerful faceless enemies monitoring your thoughts
- Shame from terrible haircut
- Trying to convince girlfriend that you work for ASIO
- Four month bender
- Waiting until plastic surgery scars heal
- Refusing to come out of your house until Arrested Development returns
- Guantanamo
Ways in which the modern world is better than olden-times
- Porn
- If Erik Satie comes back to life, our zombie slaying abilities are much advanced
- Copyright infringment on a massive and global scale
- Lower risk of T-Rex death; high risk of T-Rex disco funk
- Modern technologies give every person the ability to express their opinions, and to have those opinions heard around the world (Ed: On second thoughts, no.)
- You can get the TV program guide in a newspaper, a magazine, on your mobile phone, and the Internet!
- Paperwork
- Neil Diamond’s Crunchy Granola Suite
- This blog, which I think happens to be pretty awesome, and would have been much harder to write in the 17th Century, with all the constants “olde”s and “ye”s and “forsoothe”s, not to mention that the lack of blog software, RSS feeds, the Internet, or electricity would have mean that publishing an RSS feed would have involved a lot of ink, and definetly Repetitive Strain Injury, if RSI had been invented yet
- Lindsay Lohan porn
