Guided By Charts

The latest addition to Guided By Charts: a cutting edge medical diagnosis page. It’s easy – all you need to do is enter in a list of your symptoms in the big box below, and click “Diagnose me, Dr. GBC”. By combining the powers of a number of web-based diagnosis tools with Wikipedia and an infinite army of Googling monkeys, your illness will be revealed!

• Meningococcal
• Puppy-on-puppy violence
• Gigli
• Duck anuses
• An actual beating with a sack of nickles
• Butterfly knives
• Any joke that starts with “A guy walks into the Governor-General…”
• Heinrich Himmler
• Self-referential comedy

• Mrs The Pope

• Ducks keep walking into you
• Ducks become tense and nervous near you, as if sensing the presence of something just beyond the edge of their perception
• Stray cats keep trying to recruit you for an anti-duck army
• When being fed with bread, ducks yell “Shit, where did that come from?” (duck spiritualists also talk about the “Great Floating Breadbag”)
• Ducks keep cutting in front of you in queues
• Parent ducks tell their ducklings that if they don’t eat their vegetables, you will come along and eat them
• You can break into castles without fear of capture (sorry, that is a sign you are invisible to dukes)
• Gypsy at carnival cursed you to “walk among the world of duck-kind forever unseen”
• Ducks never returns your phone calls

• Monopoly pickup lines (68 people!)
• Sex flow charts
• Venn diagram (this one isn’t funny, I just figure putting it here will bring in more hits)
• Hedgehog pun
• Children TV characters
• Stages in alcoholism
• Justin Bieber (see above)

The day before: It’s dark and cold. I’m definetly in a fridge
9:11AM the next day: It’s dark. I’m on the move! I was moved onto a trolley, and then put in a car – I can feel the road. It sounds like we are heading south.
9:35AM: It’s dark. The car has stopped, and I’m being slid out.
9:36AM: It’s dark. Ouch! People are picking me up, but they aren’t doing it carefully – I whacked my elbow there. Don’t they know there is someone in here?
9:38AM: It’s dark. It feels like there are four people carrying me – I think I am above their shoulders. It would be nice if they could keep me a little more level, I’m starting to get motion sickness, and this is a bad place to throw up
9:42AM: It’s dark. I can’t believe these guys aren’t tired! Sure I’ve lost some weight over the last few days, but I’m still not a little person.
9:44AM: It’s dark. I am finally being lowered. It smells like carnations.
9:45AM: It’s dark. “Goodbye My Lover”? Really? I mean, sure, maybe Aphex Twin would have been asking a little much, but really, James Blunt? I hope there is reincarnation so I can kick someones arse for that.
9:47AM: It’s dark. I thought about becoming a priest for a while, did I ever tell you that?
9:50AM: It’s dark. It turns out I was awesome. I always knew it, it’s just great to hear someone else say it.
9:53AM: It’s dark. My father is talking now – a story about us playing sports. Way to completely miss the mark there, Dad.
9:56AM: It’s dark. The next time someone walks near me I’m going to scream “I was murdered! It was John that killed me!” just to see what people do.
10:03AM: It’s dark. My wife has started talking; she sounds sad, but it would have been nice if she sounded a little sadder, with the circumstances being what they are.
10:11AM: It’s dark. Sorry for the lack of updates – my mobile signal dropped out. You didn’t miss much anyway, she is still talking, frankly it is starting to drone a little bit.
10:13AM: It’s dark. Musical interlude! “Stairway To Heaven”! Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about. This party is finally getting started.
10:14AM: OPEN CASKET! Woo!
10:15AM: It’s bright. Here comes Joe – he owed me $600. I bet he doesn’t pay that back now. Fucker.
10:17AM: It’s bright. I’m not even sure who some of these people looking at me even are.
10:18AM: It’s bright. Wait – was that Steve Vizard?
10:19AM: It’s bright. No.
10:21AM: It’s bright. I hear an angry scream. That would be my mistress meeting my wife, neither of whom knew the other existed. She is going to be pissed.
10:24AM: It’s bright. Another angry scream. That would be my other misstress meeting my first mistress, neither of whom knew the other existed. He is going to be pissed.
10:27AM: It’s bright. I hear some wood being moved.
10:28AM: It’s dark. Led Zeppelin has finished, and the priest is back. Ashes to ashes blah blah blah.
10:33AM: It’s dark. Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret. I’ve been waiting a long time to make that joke.
10:37AM: It’s dark. I hear a conveyor belt start up, and I’m moving slowly along. I think I hear some sobs from what sounds like the front row.
10:39AM: It’s dark and hot. I can smell burnt bacon.

• Strong US dollar means stalker can afford new telephoto lens
• Outstanding rape charge from the ’70s
• Crazy father
• Mobile coverage in your area just too good
• Powerful faceless enemies monitoring your thoughts
• Shame from terrible haircut
• Trying to convince girlfriend that you work for ASIO
• Four month bender
• Waiting until plastic surgery scars heal
• Refusing to come out of your house until Arrested Development returns
• Guantanamo

• Porn
• If Erik Satie comes back to life, our zombie slaying abilities are much advanced
• Copyright infringment on a massive and global scale
• Lower risk of T-Rex death; high risk of T-Rex disco funk
• Modern technologies give every person the ability to express their opinions, and to have those opinions heard around the world (Ed: On second thoughts, no.)
• You can get the TV program guide in a newspaper, a magazine, on your mobile phone, and the Internet!
• Paperwork
• Neil Diamond’s Crunchy Granola Suite
• This blog, which I think happens to be pretty awesome, and would have been much harder to write in the 17th Century, with all the constants “olde”s and “ye”s and “forsoothe”s, not to mention that the lack of blog software, RSS feeds, the Internet, or electricity would have mean that publishing an RSS feed would have involved a lot of ink, and definetly Repetitive Strain Injury, if RSI had been invented yet
• Lindsay Lohan porn

• Chinese food no longer “Exotic mystery of the Orient”
• Witches roam the nights unburnt
• Greater risk of being in a plane crash, being hit by a plane falling from the sky, crashing on drive to the airport, choking on peanut purchased from airport delicatessen
• Erik Satie – still dead
• Tens of thousands left unemployed with the downturn in the leech industry
• Less pirates = less tricorn hats
• Universal suffrage
• Even my fricking Nokia 5110 had actual buttons I could press. Fricking Apple
• Universities less concerned with plaguarism, more concerned with plague
• Colour no longer consistently spelt “ou” across the whole English speaking world
• Lindsay Lohan

• Leggy Lingonberry
• Slutty Stroganoff
• Ravishing Ricotta
• Chesty Chestnuts
• Chunky Chutney
• Tarty Tamarind
• Mannish Marmalade
• Punky Pumpkin
• Bisexual Bananas (GBC note: Also see list “Alliterative adjective-food combinations that could be awesome band names”)
• Willing-To-Exchange-Sex-For-Money Watermelon
• Promiscuous Plantain

• Footloose – the character of Kevin Bacon is unable to dance in his conservative home town. Faces pressure from his family to conform. Struggles to contain his dancing urges. I, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, explain to him that dancing is forbidden without first obtaining dancing licence. He obtains licence, and dances freely, except after 6PM on Thursdays, and on the Sabbath. Conservative home town goes on to host Goodwill Games.
• Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets – Harry completes form “I97 – Access To Classified Chamber-Contained Material”. Harry waits three weeks. Footage of me, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, calling Harry and explaining he has incorrectly filled out his form (“Harry, I understand that you need access to the chamber, but you need to have a post office manager witness your signature before I can help you”). Harry resends his form, and is given access to the Chamber. The secrets are revealed to have been within Harry all along.
• Deliverance – Bobby, played by Ned Beatty, is raped by a member of an inbred family. Lewis, played by Burt Reynolds, contacts the appropriate authorities. I, in the role of Senior Bureaucrat, appear, and despite the pleas of the hillbillies, place the children of the clan into a temporary foster home. One of those children eventually learns to love again; Bobby bleeds to death.
• Casablanca – Isla Lund, after boarding the plane, realises her mistake, and advises the local prefect (myself in the role of Senior Bureaucrat). Rick Blaine is arrested, tortured, and executed. Louis Renault later goes on to assasinate Adolf Hitler.
• Dirty Dancing – my character, the Senior Bureaucrat, arrives at the club, and has everyone arrested for child abuse based on baby-painting allegations. Patrick Swayze goes on, but only just.
• Pretty Woman – Richard Gere, the wealthy industrialist, falls in love with Julia Roberts, the hooker with a heart of gold. Richard Gere tries to lobby the State Government to legalise prostitution; at first the Senior Bureaucrat (played by myself) objects, but then after realising that it would improve the occupational health and safety of the girls’ lives, as well as bring in an additional revenue stream from registration fees, I relent. Julia Roberts’ character decides to become a pimp, and proceeds to abduct, and then sell into child slavery, the girl from Curly Sue. The Government earns $8.6 million from legalised brothels.
• Office Space – Peter Gibbons, played by Ron Livingston, leads a depressing, buttoned down existence in a world full of cubicles. In an attempt to create a character franchise, I reprise my role as “Senior Bureaucrat” from Footloose, and teach Peter how to feel true joy through the medium of dance. Peter goes on to win employee of the month, while my character kills 5 after tap-dancing through cubicles armed with an assault rifle.

• Hairy gay men keep trying to lick you
• Squirrels keep watching you pee
• Constant late night phone calls from Winnie the Pooh
• Golddigging skanks keep trying to grope you Sorry, I misread honey as money
• RT from @Sparrow – nice honey, @GuidedByCharts!
• New beehive haircut suspiciously beehivey
• You are slightly stickier than normal